Dear Mary
Long Distant Dying

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Dear Mary,

My mother-in-law is dying of cancer. She lives 2 hours from most of her family including my husband, her son. Her POA has decided to make his own life easier by picking a place in their small town for her to go into a long term care facility. He can come and go to visit her in about 5 minutes. There are lots of long term care places in our town, and her POA has many family homes that he is welcomed to stay.

This is very selfish on his part, and my mother-in-law stated about a month ago when she was still able to make her own decisions that she wishes she were closer to all of us. She actually asked my husband to help her make a list of people who would visit her in their small town, and the number of people who would visit her in our town. They both knew she would get more visits if she were here. Now that the POA has kicked in, she no longer can say what she had wanted. Her POA is calling the shots and forces all of us to travel hours to make a visit. He is very mean and selfish. He could care less that we spend about 4-5 hours driving (round trip) to have a one hour or less visit.

Janice

Hello Janice:

Caring for someone is hard, but when you have to add in the issues of distance, it can sometimes be overwhelming. Being geographically apart can be so frustrating and isolating for everyone. I suggest you speak with your lawyer, but my guess is that you had better find some good travelling mugs and make the best of the visits when you get there. I can tell you this for sure. Deeds Speak – and you will not forget how difficult her POA has made this for all of you.

Mary

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Caregiving Matters

Mary is a daughter. She also Chairs our charity. Mary has also held Director roles on three other boards, most recently with The Palcare Network of York Region.

2 responses to “Long Distant Dying

  1. Hi Mary

    We just came back from visiting my mother-in-law and it is now even worse. Her POA has unplugged her phone in her room. Nobody can just call her anymore. Her POA says that the ringing phone is a bother and upsets my mother-in-law. The truth is that was her life-line out to family and friends. His control is getting worse every week.

    We are all now under his total control.

  2. Hi Janice:

    Did you know that isolation is one form of elder abuse?

    This is a very sad situation. It clearly makes me think of my own life and the desire to have two POA’s not just one. Personally, I don’t like the idea of only one person having control over my life and making all the decisions. This is something that I think everyone should think about. Good luck with the next visit and keep me posted.

    Mary

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