I’m 44 and my father who has been ill for a long time passed away last Sunday.
He sexually abused me most of my life, but i was able to disassociated, and put my daddy and the monster who abused me into different *boxes*
I loved my dad, and that is/was the only way I could deal with it. He did admit the abuse, we cried for hours and he apologized years ago.
I wanted my father to die, he was suffering so much, and in so much pain. He was also killing my mom as she tried to look after him. She has MS and fibro.
Now I feel so guilty and I feel like I’m a ice sculpture which has been shattered. I’m reverting to a little girl, calling and crying out for my daddy, yet I’ve got shadows of the darkness from what he did to me, haunting me.
It’s not like it’s something I can talk to the family about. I will get counselling once I get home, but that will be in at least a week.
Dear Jane:
I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Your situation goes back many years and is very complex. The issues require more support than I can offer as a peer. There are people trained to specifically address issues of abuse, trauma, and your current situation.
If you feel yourself in need of immediate assistance, please go to the nearest hospital or call 9-1-1.
To find a qualified counsellor:
In Canada you can connect with a mental health professional by using this link:
http://www.cmha.ca/bins/loc_page.asp?cid=58-85&lang=1
In the United States you use this link:
http://store.samhsa.gov/mhlocator
Please reach out to the professionals who can give you the support you deserve. From time to time, we all need help.
Hi Jane,
My thoughts are with you, and I am very sorry for the loss of your father, and for what you’ve been through. I hope you were able to find a therapist you feel comfortable with, and have started on the path towards healing. Like you, I was abused as a child by family members(including my father), and starting therapy has been the greatest thing I’ve done for myself. I’ve been in therapy for years now, and I consider it an investment in myself, and in the happiness I deserve. Sometimes it’s scary, and there are things I don’t want to face, but in the end I know that I’m worth fighting for. Sexual abuse can makes us feel so worthless and alone, add losing a parent to that equation and it can be unbearable, but with help you can weather this storm and gain some peace for yourself.
Thank you.
I’ve started seeing a grief counsellor but she’s the expert on the grief and not the rest of the stuff. I am seeing a doctor who has put me on serequel on top of two other anti depressants.
I am finding that I am getting better day to day, but also will just burst into tears, or withdrawl from everything.
I’m not sure who I could go to for help that would work with all the issues I’m dealing with?
Have you asked your doctor or this grief counsellor for someone that they can suggest for you? Perhaps they know of someone in your area.
Mary