In Two Minds

I am so angry!!! Not at anybody else, or at myself but at this Dammed Disease!! Whilst I was looking through some computer pics and old postings (something I do regular to remind me hopefully loll) I come to realise I have become two people!! Please stay with me on this as I will try to explain what I feel.

I look at pictures of me standing there in front of people with all the confidence in the world trying to raise awareness and forever smiling. Then there is the other me, sitting in my chair, shaking and holding head in hands worrying about the future of my family and what is to become of them.

I have always prided myself as saying “With me what you see is what you get” and I still really believe that, yet the confident me is totally different than the “Worried me” I wonder if that’s the difference to having good days and bad? It’s sometimes hard to differentiate at times.

The confident me is always smiling, always optimistic and forever hoping my life will go on forever. The other me see`s me sat there not saying a word and spiralling into despair about the future. I am already on anti depressants which seem to keep me level, but the difference between the two me`s is astounding!!

Is this all part of the disease? Is it all the up`s and downs a person with dementia goes through? There again I can’t remember anybody telling me this would happen? Or did they and I have forgotten?? The frustration wells up inside me and I feel like raging out loud at this disease. How dare you make me feel like this!! How dare you turn me into two different people!!

I AM STILL ME!! AND DONT YOU FORGET IT DEMENTIA DEMON!!!

I am still the same person inside, even though I have my ups and downs, please understand it’s only the disease trying to get the better of me, but I won’t let it, I am still in here, your friend Norrms, and always will be,

I WILL NOT LET IT BEAT ME

I PROMISE XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX